Sexual Exploitation of Self

This is an epidemic that is sweeping the nation. And I know that feminist of yesteryear are turning over in their graves. I think that somewhere in an effort to take control of how they were viewed, women went a little to the left and started exploiting themselves. Yes if there was any monetary return, women would reap all of the benefits. Women could dictate how they were seen and not let society determine what was sexy and not sexy. But things have gone awry today. The definition of sexy has been thrown away and raunchy has replaced it. Every woman now wants to be a model chick/video hoe/myspace jumpoff. I never knew that was a life goal for some women. I have seen one too many pictures of young ladies in boy shorts with ass cheeks hanging out for my taste. It is wonderful to be proud of your body and not be ashamed of it, but you are leaving nothing to the imagination. I always thought that a great part of male attraction was the mystery. But women are taking away the mystery, actually they are giving it away. In the female mind, we have have won, but we are really taking an "L". Because in the end it is still exploitation. Men are not viewing you any different, its just that now they have your permission to ogle, gawk and see you only as sexual beings. If you want your boobs to hang out, then please don't be upset if he isn't interested in conversation. Your IQ or how many businesses you have is irrelevant the moment your thong sees the light of day. I know it doesn't seem fair, but if you are going to play the game you have to play it smart. So we as women have to take back and redefine "the sexy". Sexy is not equivalent to nudity and nastiness, but it is a subtly that a woman conveys without doing too much. Right now we are working too hard at being sexy but come off more like "hoes". Stop it and tell your friends to stop it. It's not cute.

Inner Turmoil

I have been fighting with myself for a little bit lately. You try all of your life to become a better person and make mature decisions. But every once in a blue moon that immature, rash decision making, crazy woman rears her ugly head. I think that I am a very rational person and makes logical choices in life. But then sometimes I think I am TOO rational. I don't have enough fun with my decisions or do enough crazy stuff in my life. When I want to do those things, I think about how old I am and how it wouldn't be a good look for a grown ass woman. So I suffer in silence. Maybe I should take more vacations, so I can act a fool in another country where no one knows me. I think I used to be more fun, I am not sure. But I think that I am just responsible now and I wasn't before. *sigh* Being an adult sucks!!!!!! I want to be careless about who I hurt, careless about how I spend my money, careless about my job, careless about life. But I am now a responsible adult who has to pay rent, utilities, go to work everyday. That is not any fun, by any means. How do I make it fun again? Or was it ever really fun? Wreckless and unproductive behavior feels good but the end result is never positive. If I was not responsible, I would not have the things that I possess in life. So I guess I am better off where I am now in life and that crazy lady inside of me will have to back down this time.

Sorry ass women.......

I vowed that I would not come down on my fellow females, but sometimes women are just sorry. I am not defending men, it is just time for women to accept responsibility for the part we play in dramas. Some things I just cannot tolerate from women. And it only takes few to ruin it for the rest of us. The majority of the time that I speak to guys about women, some girlfriend did some illogical, unnecessary, crazy, unbelievable thing to him. You know I have a few examples for you.

Example #1 :
This young lady was married with one child. She had a home, her own car and she did not work. Her husband told her in the beginning that he would take care of her. And he did just that. Well one day she decided that the marriage wasn't what she really wanted. Everybody has the right to change their mind about a situation, but I had a problem with her reasoning. She told her husband that she was too young to be married and that she wanted to go to club and hang out and drink. *crickets* Now come on, there has to be another reason. *crickets* That was her only reason for wanting a divorce. She figured she would get custody of her son, keep the house, not work and be able to hit the club with out answering to anybody. *shakes finger* No siree Bobby Jones. It must have slipped her mind that her husband's mother was formerly a paralegal. Not only did he get sound legal advice, his mother mad sure his legal documents were solid with no loopholes. So guess who kept the kid, the house and the cars? But she does get to go to the club as often as she likes.

Example #2:
This young lady is a single parent. When she told her then boyfriend about her pregnancy, he skipped town and to this day has never met his child. Well she met a man who loved her and her child. He bought the child diapers, babysat when she wanted to go out with the girls, and potty trained the little one. They were so close as a FAMILY that the child referred to the man affectionately as "Daddy". This young lady's demise began when she sought outside council about her relationship. And the person she chose to consult was her ex-boyfriend. *ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!????* It all of a sudden became more important for her to side with her friend's and acquaintances than her significant other. She began to talk out of both sides of her neck. She would lay in her boyfriend's arms and the next day tell her friend's he was stalking her. Well as we all know today she is single and still trying to find a mate based on the opinion of her friends. *shakes my head* That is just a shame.

It is to often that I hear women say what a man DID to them, as if they had no control over the situation. A relationship usually has a minimum of 2 people, so women might want to look at what they DID also.

~~RANT OVER~~

An MRS Degree......

This program is very rare and not taught at most universities. It is a program that can be studied only by females. The few women that have earned their MRS degree worked really hard in undergrad and maintained through a grilling graduate program. Graduates of the program normally attend a traditional college or university. Most women that complete the program have to leave for a stint and then return at a later date to complete their MRS degree. It is a crowning achievement for some women because they have followed in the footsteps of their mother and would like to pass on that tradition to their daughters. I have not been fortunate enough to get my MRS degree, but it was not a program that I was interested in when I was in college. Some say, I should have attended an HBCU if I wanted to get my MRS degree in a shorter time. For me there was never a time limit, nor a rush for me to get my MRS degree. Some women go through life without ever finishing the program, but they beat themselves up for not achieving that goal. There are plenty of other things these women have achieved in life but the MRS degree looms over their head like a heavy rain cloud. We as women have to stop allowing our families and friends put pressure on us to achieve that MRS degree. Once the pressure is off, women can ease back into the program and make a successful attempt to complete the MRS degree. But people must realize everybody's timing to complete the MRS is different. I am not sure when I will finish mine, but I want to make sure that the program suits and fits me. So congrats to the MRS degree recipients and keep your head up for those women in the race to complete theirs.

I just had an epiphany ......

I had conversation with a guy friend of mine and he made me answer a queston that I never was asked before. And I knew the answer but after reading what I typed, I had an epiiphany. Let me share with you the conversation.

HE says: Why do you feel that you were scared to standup for yourself in relationships and not in other aspects of your life?
I say: It was about me wanting to be loved by somebody and the fear of that love going away
HE says: Oh
I say: So I maintained and hope it wouldn't leave, but I learned that I don't control that. People will leave anyway no matter how good of a person you are

Wow!!!! I knew subconciously that I had learned a lesson from my previous relationships but to hear myslef sum it up in words was amazing. So what have you learned from your previous relationships?

It's all about the approach....

I stand before you, the # 1 defender of Black women. I spend a large amount of time trying to convince guys that we (black women) don't have bad attitudes. I know some of us are on one, but most of us are just looking for some reciprocity. We feel like we give and give and all people do is take. After a while some rules have to be implemented to prevent total emotional depletion. And this is the time when men usually try to approach us. I am not making excuses for women, but I want to inform men as to why we respond to them the way that we do. It is a combination of our past experiences and current expectations. Again I'm not defending today, I am here to make things easier for both sides. Because isn't the point to make things less complicated and more simplistic. So what I want to say to men today is, its all in the approach.

When approaching a lady (Yes I went old school), the sentence should never include a "yo", "wassup" or a compliment about a body part. Just say "hello" or "how are you" and take it from there. And I know that some of us give attitude(Read the first part) but you smile at Evilene and you walk away. As you leave that lady's vicinity, just think she is not who God intended. Now ladies we must learn to not be so angry when a man (one who uses the proper approach) strikes up a conversation. He hasn't robbed you, he didn't cheat on you, and he didn't drag you to the club/bar that you are sitting in. So just say "hello" and smile. You may not be interested in that particular man but who says you can't have a nice conversation with someone new. And ladies take this into consideration: No one wants someone that no one else wants. So if you spend the night shooing men away with your attitude, eventually NO ONE will approach you. And that is not a good look.

I think next time I will talk about dating, something that Black mommas don't teach their daughters.

I thought I would take you guys back to when I was single and was looking for somebody (anybody) to love a sistah. But after being single for a looooong time, I realized that I had to work on me first. But I was inspired to write this poem by a girlfriend of mine. She was bummed one day and proceeded to tell me a story. She had run into an old friend from college and this young man was talking about his upcoming wedding. Well it seemed that he was marrying a young woman from the same university. My girlfriend knew of the young lady and congratulated him and said her goodbyes. No, he was not an ex of hers and no she didn't have conflict with the young woman. The problem was a little bit deeper than that. It seems that the young lady betrothed was somewhat of a whore in her college. I don't mean that my girlfriend thought she was a whore but it was common knowledge to the entire campus. I know you are thinking what the hell does that have to do with your friend. Well, she told me that she thought she was nice looking and that she had a good head on her shoulders but she couldn't get a man. She just didn't understand what the problem was and she was really was down so I wrote her this:

Why can't I get a man

Ashy ankles, crusty lips
Jacked up feet and no dayum hips
But she's got a man

3 baby daddies, 5 kids
Crossed & Crooked eyes under those lids
But she's got a man

No teeth, breath is kicking
Bad hair weaves with the glue not sticking
But she's got a man

I take a step back and examine me
These are definitely not women I want to be
But they got a man

I know I have only given physical characteristics
But if you look at the statistics
These are the women who've got a man

What is a strong, attractive, intelligent sistah to do
Throw up my hands and say I am through
Naw Naw

When I look at their men, what I see
are men that I do NOT want for me

I was taught in a class of psychology,
you are only attracted to those as attractive as thee

These women don't think they are beautiful enough
So they stay around and deal with issues & stuff
That's why they got a man

So now I know why I can't get a man

My name is not Mattel, so I won't be played
I am also not a carpet just here to get laid
That's why I can't get a man

More is needed than sexual attraction
I require a tremendous amount of mental satisfaction
That's why I can't get a man

To gain my adoration
It requires work and concentration
That's why I can't get a man

Most brothers aren't prepared for the journey of me
look at is as an aventure not a J-O-B

Sexual Responsibility

I would like everybody to think about how many sexual partners they have had in life. Then I would like for everyone to recall the process used when deciding to sleep with those persons. Now I bet the first question was easier to answer than the first. No, I am not here to judge you, but I think that sex has now become just something that people do. I have heard people say it is no big deal and that everyone is doing it . But it is a big deal because sex can lead to life altering consequences. HIV, AIDS, Herpes, Syphyllis and children are life altering results of sex. How many times have you had the pregnancy scare or been burned by an STD? Lots of you were lucky because it was just a scare or it could be cured by a single shot. I made sure I knew everything I could about sex because my parents taught me nothing. In college, I took classes on AIDS, sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy and abortion, so I was extra careful for fear of what someone might give me. Today, I think young women are desensitized to all things sexual because it is such a large part of what is on TV and in music. And maybe that is why 75% of all new HIV cases are African American women. But somebody has to teach them about sexual responsibility. Let them know that if they don't want to have sex that it is OKAY. Let them know that there is nothing cute about being coined EASY. What young girls/women don't understand is that they have the power to choose. There is no rule that says you have have sex by a certain age or you're a lame. Only you can control your body and hopefully you will be informed and thinking about you when you decide to have sex with someone. You cannot worry about what your friends say or do because when you get pregnant or are HIV positive, you have to deal with that not your friends. I know there are times when you get caught up in the heat of the moment, but just pause for 5 seconds and imagine being attached to that person for 18 years of your life (length of time child support has to be paid, longer if the child goes to college) or falling sick and dying because you wanted to have sex. I'm going to get off my soap box now and hope that what I said made sense to someone. I just want people to take sex a little more seriously than they do today. You can be responsible and still have a pleasurable experience. *smiles*

How much do you love yourself?

Some days, depending on the outfit, I feel like a heifer. Some days my hair is too nappy, my lips are too big, my legs are not long enough etc. I, like every woman, could go on for days about my "imperfections", but overall I like myself pretty much. And if I had the opportunity I would change very little about me. I have accepted that scar above my eye that I received as a kid in Virgina and my big butt passed on from Geneva and Ellis. If the opportunity presented itself, I would tuck my tummy and lift my breasts, but that is my persoanl choice. But I did not start this to get on a plastic surgery rant. I wanted to share a story with you all.
Its about a young woman who did not think enough of herself to think that she could be loved. We al know one girl like this. The one that makes excuses for the man that hits her. Or the young lady who decided to sell her body to make money, not to take care of a child but becuase she likes to shop. Or the chick that is so miserable in her own life that she wants to ruin the ones around her with lies and scandal. I haven't always been the person that I am today and I didn't take care of me like I should. I expressed my disappointment in me by being reckless in my behavior, having one too many drinks, and flirting with disaster, but someone gave me a good piece of advice that I want to pass on. If you want someone to treasure you, you must treasure yourself first. People see what you show them. If you don't love you, why should they love you? I took that to heart and when I did my life changed. It is okay to expect good things for yourself and don't let anyone tell you any different.
So the lesson for today - SELF LOVE: Try it, it works wonders

Some of us don't know we're crazy

Yes, I am talking to you. Don't act as if you are immune to acts of craziness. In our irrational minds these acts sometimes seem to be the right thing to do and seem logically thought out. Nope, not all. When did hiding in the bushes to see if he is cheating become a rational act (you hire a detective for that j/k). At some point in our lovely lives we will all have mental breakdowns and that is okay, but you can't rationalize the behavior during those breakdowns. Just tell people, "I've been going thru." Any women who hears those words will offer a hug or tell you they understand. I have had my slash his tire moments and they passed, but the idea lingered a little longer than it should have. I never shared with my friends, so they did not have a chance to pull me out of the crazy tree. So the night that my friend allowed me to do a drive by* at this dude's apartment, I knew we both were crazy. Of course I called and he did not answer and then I saw some chick driving his Yukon, everything I did NOT want to see. I felt low every time I thought about it and then I thought, "what the hell was I thinking?" Craziness at its best. You ask why I shared this story. I wanted to let you know craziness even gets the best of us.

*drive by - riding past someone's home to see if they are there alone or with someone else

Where do we begin.........

I know people want to know why am I an expert and what do I know. Well, I am an expert at nothing , but I do know something. Like most women today, I've been on one too many dates and the experiences I carry with me like a bag of laundry. How many people can relate to that? I felt that there wasn't a voice out there for us, young women looking for a good relationship. It can be a romantic relationship, an honest friendship , or that family connection that is just not there. I have the self help books , watched Oprah when Dr. Phil was on, shouted with T.D. at Megafest, and I still have questions. But I have found that an open dialogue between like minds is a better outlet than relying on someone telling me what I should and should not do. Last time I looked my experience was just that, mine. And I know people go through similar situations/dramas/issues, but this is where I plan to vent about mine and hopefully answer some questions for some people. So, let the games begin!!!!!!!